weaning

We've been weaning for a few weeks and transitioning to cow's milk (whole, organic).  Boy already takes two bottles at daycare during the day but still nursed on demand on the weekends plus morning and night during the week.  Our first step was to start daytime bottles on the weekend, which went great, no problem.  I continued pumping at work twice a day, but as a wasn't nursing as much my supply started tanking.  The next step was the morning feeding.  Boy has only recently started sleeping through the night but had periodically woken up at night to nurse.  We started using warmed pumped breast milk when he woke up (usually around 4) and have now transitioned to cold cow's milk.  So, I dropped a pumping session during the day and tried to built a stash to replace the bedtime feed.  Except, all of the sudden Boy started waking up more during the night, screaming for a bottle.  After a few nights we figured out that my supply was so low that it wasn't holding him over anymore.  My one pump session a day was lucky to give me 2 ozs. so I can only imagine what he was getting.  Nursing is part of our bedtime routine, so we started given him a small bottle first then nurse until he fell asleep.  This seemed to be working and we talked about trying just a bottle this weekend. 

Last night, Boy wouldn't nurse.  I gave him a bottle and read "Five Little Pumpkins", and then tried to nurse.  He kept unlatching and pointing and grunting at the empty bottle on the nightstand.  With my heart in my throat, I relented and got him another bottle.  As I rocked him, I thought about our journey. 

I began breastfeeding about an hour after you were born via c-section.  While my milk had not yet come in we kept at it, every two hours.  On the third day, the doctor suggested we supplement with a little formula because you lost too much weight.  Once my milk came in, you nursed constantly.  At times I felt like a cow, but I loved holding you and being able to give you everything you needed.  You packed on weight, the doctors were amazed.  You were doing so well, we didn't start solids until 6 months because you didn't need more.  I never thought you'd take a bottle as we prepared for day care, but you handled it like a champ.  We made it through growth spurts, biting and distraction.  As your first birthday approached, I knew that you'd be ready to wean, it turns out I had more of a difficult time with it.  The thought of it would bring tears to my eyes, the thoughts of you getting older and more independent.  I'll admit that it has been nice not having to be the one who always has to get up in the morning, now Daddy and I can take turns.

If I had known Wednesday was the last time I would nurse, maybe I would have paid more attention, really took it all in.  If I knew it was the last time, chances are I would have cried.  Maybe it is better that it happened suddenly, as hard as it is on me.  A chapter closes.