snooze

I can not wait for my work day to be over.  I got a horrible nights sleep due to the wind and rain and I have been dragging all day.  Today was one of those days where everyone gets on my nerves.  I work with one woman, I'll call her Golda, who talks to herself all day.  She literally gives a play by play of what she's doing out loud.  Today she was trying to do something on the computer, It sounded a like this, "I guess I should click on this button.  I don't know why these machines are so hard. that button  there, that's should do the trick"  She then yelled to someone in a different room for instructions on which button precisely to press and then voiced her concern that her actions would "get lost in cyber space".  I thought I was going to scream.  A lot of days I wear my headphones but I just wasn't in the mood today but it was impossible not to get annoyed.  Golda, then called every single member of her family and yakked on the phone for hours about her various health ailments.  I have to give her credit that at 69 she drags her ass to work everyday especially when you do hear all of her health problems, but sometimes I want to tell her to shut the fuck up!!!!  Right now she trying to get another coworker to share jello with her.  I am not in the mood today.  I still have a cold and hubs is working late tonight which means I get wrestle that little alligator of a child into pajamas by myself.  He is generally the sweetest little boy until bedtime.  You would think that his pajamas were made of shards of glass the way he fights.  I have to sing the abc's the whole time,  to get him just docile enough to put his arms and legs in.  Once there zipped up, he's fine, like nothing happened and I'm left exhausted and sweating, looking like Randy "MachoMan" Savage:



sick again

I have yet another cold.  I feel like the baby and me just keep passing the same dirty cold to each other.  It doesn't help that I have become a human tissue and between the teething and colds I usually have some boogers somewhere on me at all times.  Whenever I don't feel good I am really mushy, I just want to sleep, eat and hug.  As I think more and more of jumping on the baby bandwagon again, I've reflecting on what I've learned the past year.

I had no idea how much babies poop.  I remember sitting in the childcare class and hearing that babies pooped about 10 times a day.  It seemed outrageous to me until it became my reality.  As we transitioned to solids and the poop firmed up and slowed down, but we're still averaging about 3-4 a day.  You would think at this point I'd be desensitised but no, I still gag most of the time.

The laundry never ends, there are always dishes in the sink, the toilet paper roll is always empty, the trash is always full (especially the diaper genie).  The only thing that comes faster than bed time is wake up time. 

Despite buying toy after toy, Boy will pass them all by to play with the vegetable brush, the remote, a cell phone, an old sock, an empty box, lint, his genitals, my bra, or an envelope.  He can also sense from anywhere in the house if the bathroom door has been left open and makes a beeline to the toilet.

I've grown an affinity for Sesame Street and Yo Gabba Gabba.  The other kid shows are a little too much for me and some I can bear, but I really like Sesame St. and Yo Gabs.  They're entertaining.

I wonder if my body will ever be the same.  Only recently has my hair stopped falling out in clumps but I still wake up to pee at least once a night and I'm usually sweating.  Luckily the belly hair and lovely linea nigra went away pretty quickly.

I am amazed everyday at the wonders of biology.  Reproduction, in and or itself is truly amazing.  I can't believe that we created this amazing little boy.  How is has grown from the little baby into such an active, inquistive, smart and fearless boy.  Sometimes the pride and awe of him is overwhelming.

A lot of people told me that motherhood would give me a new found respect for my parents.  While it may have in some regards, I find that I have become much more judgemental of them as parents.  Our vastly different parenting styles has caused some friction, particularly between my mother and I.   She has made several snide comments about my son having a bedtime, eating vegetables and having too many toys.  While I wasn't raised by animals, we lacked alot of structure and I believe that is important to have that in our lives now.  I understand that my mother was much younger and my father was not even remotely helpful, and we spent a lot of time with extended family members.  I think my mother thought she would have a bigger roll and is at times resentful that she she doesn't.

quiet

I hate having to title each post.  That being said I am hoping for a quiet weekend.  This week seemed to drag and I've started a new habit that isn't helping.  Every morning this week Boy has been waking up at about 5:45.  I've been giving him a bottle and letting him lay in our bed where he eventually falls asleep.  Then when our alarm goes off at 6:45, it's all but impossible to get up.  I just want to stay snuggled up.  Plus, I always find short week drag on.
This week at work we had an "International Day" party to honor Martin Luther King Jr..   Not really sure what baked ziti has to do with his legacy, but what do I know.  I go back and forth on these office parties.  There are always the people that go crazy and make a ton of food and spend a ton of money and then the people who bring a bag of chips.  And the people that overextend themselves always take issue with those who don't, even if it's the majority.  How much cake can people eat anyway?  I never like to eat any of the stuff and it's usually on a bad day for me to make anything the night before, so I usually pick up cookies.  The last time I made myself nuts trying to find good cookies and nobody ate any of them, so I've stopped caring.  This time around I tried to be a good sport and agreed to make a dish.  I'm Polish, I bought kielbasa.  When I came into work Tuesday and realized that most of the food was sitting out from 7:30 am until noon when the party started, I knew I wouldn't be eating any of it.  I have a lot of food issues and I was already hesitant to eat food that people had made but once I realized that it was unrefrigerated for that length of time then put on a sterno, I knew I'd pass.  I heated my dish up in the microwave right before the party but since there was barely any room due to the gigantic sterno, my stuff got put on top of the coffee pot, out of the way.  It only ended up reinforcing how I do not like participating in these functions.  Just leave me alone to eat my stupid PB&J in peace.

Baby fever

As I watch Boy grow so fast and gain confidence in my mothering, I can't help but want to do it all again.  The problem with that is I know what to expect when expecting. 

I am 36, so my clock is ticking loudly and my window for opportunity is closing.  We have always wanted more than one child.  Not only for ourselves but we understand the importance of siblings.  My husband is one of seven and I am close with my sister.  There is a certain closeness that you can only get with family.  Boy is the only child on my side and the youngest by 9 years on my husbands so without even cousins close in age we really want to be able to give him a sibling.

I loved being pregnant the first time.  We were very lucky that I got pregnant the first month we tried.  I had been nervous at the start because you never know until you try if there will be any issues.  I found the prospect of charting daunting and really didn't want to do it.  I figured we would try the first month, and if we were unsuccessful I would start charting my basal temperature.  Luckily I had a "by the book" 28 day cycle, so we were able to time everything perfectly and when I was two days late a test confirmed the greatest news ever.  I then read every book, which prepared me for every possible side effect.  I stocked up on ginger ale and crackers and waited for morning sickness, which never came.  Besides being tired and getting a horrific cold the 2nd month, everything was great.  There were bouts of heartburn, incessant kicking and horrific cankling it was noting like some of the stories I read.  Even as my due date came and went, my induction failed and we relented to a c-section, I felt blessed by my whole experience.  Even my recovery went well. Strangely, this worries me for the next time.  Like I'm tempting fate.

half day

Excited to take a half day today.  The hubs and I have been talking about it months and we're finally taking the day and going out to lunch to eat and have a few drinks by ourselves.  Enjoy a little couple time.  It's so easy to get caught up in our new role as parents and forget to give each other the time that we need.  I admit that sometimes it does make me feel guilty leaving Boy at day care and having fun without him.  He's so easy going that it's not a big deal going to restaurants with him, but we definitely do need more time alone.  We don't leave him with babysitters often because he is in daycare all week so I am hesitant to not spend all the available time we have together on the weekends.  Plus, he's hard work and we have few people I would be comfortable leaving him with.  My parents have watched him a handful of times and it's always nerve racking.  A few weeks ago day care was closed for a holiday that we didn't get and we worked it out that I would work a half day in the am and Hubs would do the afternoon.  My parents only needed to watch him for 2 hours in the middle.  A time period that she have been filled mostly by lunch and napping.  When I got home I found that he barely ate lunch and was awake.  They thought he looked too tired to eat so they stopped feeding him and tried to put him down for nap.  After rocking him for 20 minutes, he eventually did fall asleep but my father insisted on holding him instead of putting him in the crib so when my mom's cell phone rang he woke up and was wide awake because he probably couldn't what the hell was going on. It didn't help that the baby farted and my dad freaked out at the possibility of a diaper change.  It's always nice to come home to two adults standing over a hungry, overtired toddler trying to figure out if he pooped.  Sniff his butt, that's what I do.

Questions

Why does my 1 year old always smell like a foot?
Why does he insist on sticking his fist down his throat until he gags?
Why is he waking up at 5 am and turning on the light?
Why am I not independently wealthy?
Why wouldn't you flush a public toilet?
Why has my tolerance for ignorance and stupidity at an all time low?
Why are people so surprised by Lance Armstrong doping?  Are we that desperate to believe in something, anything?
I wonder if the house in East Atlantic Beach with all the clowns in the windows survived the hurricane.

Day-O

My day so far in a nut shell
Boy up at 5:30 AM, he's learned to turn his light on, so they're no getting him to settle back down on his own.  Despite previous promises not to, we brought him in the bed to play.  By play I mean kick and bite us while laughing.  Shockingly he did fall back asleep, 5 minutes before our alarm went off, so we stayed in bed a little longer enjoy the quiet "we" time.
Shower, dress, make lunch, daycare drop off, drive to work
It smells a a home perm in here today
The woman who sits in front of me has been youtubing old newscasts from the Sandy Hook School shooting at full volume all day.  Most of them are eyewitness testimonies. I kept trying to block it out because it's was such a horrible event, I didn't think any  one would want to relive it.
I finally tracked done a flu shot at lunch.  The woman in front of me at the CVS had a flattened dreadlock down her back that was bound with plastic zip ties.  I almost throw up in my mouth imagining what it smelled like.
I ate a delicious glazed donut!!!!!!

stink fingers

So, as it turns out I am completely useless in a crisis.  On the weekends we let Boy run around in a tshirt and diapers most days.  Fighting to get his pants on is sometimes not worth the fight and he seems to like being free.  So the hubs and I were sitting on the couch and the baby had been playing when he started walking towards us scratching his ass, hand in the diaper scratching his ass.  I blurt out loud, "I hope he didn't poop", and my great, wonderful, patient husband gets up to look only to find that yes, he has pooped and now it's all over his hand.  Panic sets in because Boy loves putting his hands in his mouth and now his fingers are covered in feces, but I couldn't help because I was too busy trying not to piss myself on the couch as I was doubled over laughing.  Tears streaming down my face, I was paralyzed with a fit of the giggles, while my poor husband tried to take control of the situation and prevent our child from getting e. coli.  Luckily I regained my composure and was able to render assistance, but I had bouts of the giggles for the rest of the night.

week in review

Highlights of the week:

Sunday- awesome farmer's market, mexican food.
Monday- lost a turd during a diaper change and almost threw up.
Tuesday-oven broke.
Wednesday- Boy learned a new bizarre noise to make while running around his room licking a nerf football.
Thursday- everyone slept late, extra cuddles with my one and only, made a youtube page
Friday-bought new fancy camera

I'd say it was pretty successful week, given that it was the first full week I've worked since before the holidays.

spur of the moment

I bought a DSLR camera today.  I have been thinking about upgraded my camera recently but didn't know much about them and was hesitant to buy something that expensive for myself.  I was lurking on a photography message board when another "amateur"  asked for opinion on what a good first time camera would be an everyone said the Nikon D1500.  I started looking at them but didn't want to take the plunge because of the price.  I kept looking at the message board when a discussion came up about refurbished cameras from adorama.com, a very well known store in Manhattan.  I took a look and found one for several hundred dollars less.  I usually do not like to make impulse purchases. I have a habit of waiting and over thinking, usually resulting in then not making any purchase at all, but this time I decided to take the plunge.  I was a little afraid that the camera would go and I would miss out.  I do feel a tinge of buyers remorse and a little self indulgent but I think I'm really going to get a lot of use out of it.  We have had professionally photos taken of the baby twice (newborn and 1st bday) and the pictures are always amazing.  I am friends with the photog on facebook and recently read a status where she talks about her house flooding and how she made sure she had all her photos of her children.  She frequently posts the greatest shots of them, candid shots of them eating their breakfast or a goofy grin, and I've always been a little jealous that I can't take pictures like that with my little digital camera.  Reading it was just the push I needed to make the leap.  Now that's just hope my broken oven doesn't break the bank.  

Biting my tongue

I am trying to be professional today but I'm having a hard time not going off on a co-worker.  I am a firm believer that it is impolite to discuss religion and politics in certain settings, especially work.  Almost all of us work in cubicle and can decorate the inside of the cubies however we see fit, fine by me.  When you start putting fliers on the outside I feel that then they are directed at other people and thereby open to my opinion.  One man, who already has several political bumper stickers on his car, most of which I find in direct contradiction of his employment, has decided to advertise his pro-gun stance to the entire office.  We work in law enforcement and are all required to carry a department issued firearm as well has legally able to purchase a carry other weapons.  If new,stricter gun laws are passed this would not change, because as I said we are law enforcement, but he firmly believes that his rights are being trampled.   He is something of a gun nut, despite this being a later in life career move. He has really embraced the weapon aspect with gusto, a gusto I find frightening.  I am completely anti-gun, I don't think private citizens should be able to possess handguns or assault rifles.  I somewhat understand hunting, so I can see rifles and shotgun being available with a permit and background check.  My job would be a lot safer if all handguns were illegal, so I have difficulty understanding why someone else in my field can be such a  proponent of unrestricted gun ownership.  What has really gotten under my skin today are the new fliers he posted outside of his cubie stating that more people are killed every year with hammers than with firearms.  The flyer even cites the FBI as the source of it's information.  I looked up the stats, something I assume you would  have done before buying into such an unbelievable statistic, and SHOCKER- it's incorrect.  While the number of homicides committed with "blunt objects" such as hammers or clubs is 496 in 2011, the total number of homicides committed with firearms is 8.583, not 323( http://www.fbi.gov) as this flyer would lead you to believe.  323 is the stat for rifles only in the firearm breakdown. 
This inaccuracies used in these types of arguments make me crazy.  While I may not agree, you are entitled to your opinion, but  I take issue with bending the truth to fit your argument and then forcing it down my throat.  I also take into question how you can properly do your job, working with a lower socio-economic population as well as minorities, when your other propaganda reveals you to be racist, misogynist and extremely anti-government.  Which is ironic because of your and your wife's current employment with the government.  . He has been confronted in the past by co-workers, after which he would leave anonymous Mitt Romney flyers on the chair and avoid future eye contact, proving himself to be cowardly.  It makes me want to scream

test

I'm testing out how to post pictures, this was a picture I took New Years Eve in our living room.

dream killer

My dreams of my yurt vacation were dashed last night.  We got home from work and I was trying to quickly throw together some sweet potato fries when we realized that the oven wasn't preheating.  There was a stronger than normal smell of gas and the temperature wasn't going up.  Luckily, the stove and broiler still work.  I go right into a panic trying to find repair options and warranty info.  We bought our house a little over two years ago and most of the appliances have run out of the warranties.  One of the biggest selling points of the house was that it had been completely remodeled in 2005 with all new high end appliances and other great features.  But now that these things are breaking, I wish the previous owners had cheaper taste.  I can't imagine what this is going to cost to have the oven repaired.  I got a recommendation for an appliance repair company and made an appointment for service.  Even if they fix it for cheap (fingers crossed), the yurt is already booked up for the weekend I was looking at.  The joys of home ownership.

As I sit here writing this at my desk at work, I can't help but wonder, WHO IS POLISHING THEIR NAILS???  I can't throw too many stones because I'm dicking around on the internet but really polishing your nails.  It stinks like paint lacquer in here now.  Who does things like that, we're all in cubicles, I can practically smell your breath let alone your chemically nail polish.  There has to be a better way to live. 

while away the hours

I've been daydreaming of a yurt I saw online.  It's the cutest rental in upstate NY and is an actual yurt, like in Mongolia.  They only have a few opening within the next two months so I'll have to decide soon.  The prospect of travelling with a little one is so daunting.  Having to pack everything, the long car ride, and the sleeping arrangements.  I like to find a place that has either a separate bedroom or a deck so that us adults can still hang out after the baby goes to bed.  He usually falls asleep around 8, so unless there's another place for us to be, we'd have to go to bed too, or sit on the bed whispering in the dark.  We went to Montauk in June and we had a little deck which was perfect.  It was right outside the room, so we could hear him and check in on him, but we were able to get a little hang out time too.  This yurt has a separate bedroom, and most of the space is open so I wouldn't have to worry too much about wandering or stairs.  The only real bugaboo is the weather, I'd hate to book the place then get caught in a snow storm.  As usual with me, I will over think it, then when I want to do it it'll be booked or the price will have doubled.  I love to daydream though. 

One other thing that's been on my mind lately is political campaign bumper stickers.  How long does a person keep them on?  Are there different rules for winners or losers?  I'm not a big fan of bumper stickers to begin with but I would be hesitant to put a political one of my car because I wouldn't want to drive around advertising that I supported the loser in a race.  Every time I drove would be a reminded that my team lost.  If they won, a what point is it gloating to still have your campaign sticker?  Too much to think about, glad it's not a busy day in the office.

Today

Today was one of those days that I haven't been able to accomplish anything.  I've wasted so much time staring into space today, starting a task then finding myself zoning out 5 minutes later.  I overslept, mostly because of a 4:00 am visitor to our bed who flailed around and bit me before finally falling back asleep.  That mad rush in the morning always throws me off.  I didn't have time to make coffee, I forgot my "healthy" snacks and my sneakers.  Luckily I was able to get coffee at work and managed to find some chocolate to snack on.  I've been trying to exercise at lunch, either taking a walk or going to the gym, but I can never get my act together to bring my sneakers or a change of clothes.  I really want to drop some weight before trying to have another baby but I've been having trouble finding time to excercise and when I'm tired all I want to do is eat.  Plus, I don't want to give up wine now knowing that I'll have to give up again through my pregnancies and nursing.  I guess I'm hoping that by some strange chance my wine diet and lack of exercise will make me lose weight.  If I could patent that I'd be a billionaire.

observations

I have no patience for slow driving sports cars.  If you spend that much money for a car made to go that fast, there is no reason a line of cars should be crawling behind you.

The best time to go to Toys R Us or any store for that matter is 2 weeks after Christmas- Holiday shopping and all the returns are done and the store is empty.

A lot of public bathrooms are windowless and have poor ventilation.

I hate Steely Dan.

A school bus shouldn't be able to keep their "stop" sign out for 10 minutes while the driver talks to a mother on the side of the road.  I could never beep at a school bus, so I just end up sitting there banging on my steering wheel like an idiot.

At least 5 times a day I want to scream "STOP TALKING"  at the top of my lungs at various people.

I don't trust people that don't like pizza or have the back window of their car filled with stuffed animals.

looking back

As the new year starts and everyone focuses on beginnings I can't help but look back on the past year.  How my baby boy has turned into this little person, no longer content to lay on his back staring endlessly at the ceiling fan but wanting to jump and climb and roar.  How he has begun to have emotions and express them, whether it's a belly laugh or biting down on target of his frustration.  It's amazing how much happens in that first year and how quickly it goes by.   Time is fleeting and I've really tried to slow it down and focus on what matters.  Spend time building experiences, even it's its just sitting on the couch watching a bad movie.  Taking it in for what it is. 
Those first few weeks with a newborn, where I waited and wished he'd grow faster, stay awake longer, play.  Partly out of my eagerness but mostly out of fear and uncertainty of this little being who seemed so helpless and so dependant on me.  I worried if I was meeting all of his needs.  Looking back those needs seem so basic but felt so monumental at the time.  Was he nursing enough?  Sleeping enough?  Was he getting a flat head?  Was he warm enough?  The nights were I laid awake listening to him breathing across the room, a bundle of nerves ready to jump at any sound.  That all seems so long ago, as I watch this little boy throw his arms back and race across the living room, just for the exhilaration of running.  The new found freedom and independence that comes with mobility.  His never ending curiosity in his surroundings and the joy he finds in everything, whether it be a new toy or old cheerio found on the floor. 
I try to just take it all in and enjoy the moment.  If this past year is any indication, the next one is going to fly by too and I don't want to spend any of it wishing it away.